# Transcript: Emotional first aid ## Description Unlike psychotherapists, we haven’t really learned how to work with emotions in ourselves or others. What can we take from their professional practice into our own relationships without lengthy study? How can emotional first aid truly support our loved ones in difficult moments? And how can we open tough conversations without hurting others more than necessary? Who is Eliška Remešová? Eliška Remešová is a psychologist, psychotherapist, and lecturer with an interest in the psychology of love and modern forms of romantic relationships. In her private psychotherapeutic practice, she focuses on couples who want to improve their relationship. She draws on comprehensive psychotherapeutic training in SFBT, complete crisis intervention, ongoing ICEEFT training for couples, and many other completed courses. For over fourteen years, she has been lecturing, facilitating, and leading workshops in companies and nonprofit organizations. She develops leaders and their teams in relational intelligence, including relational safety, authentic leadership, and emotional intelligence. She is also a lecturer in applied improvisation, which offers a path to freedom toward the authentic self and effective, equal collaboration with others. In 2021, she co-published a therapeutic journal for women called Duše na místě, and a year later, she founded the MEZILIDMI institute for interpersonal relationships. On social media, she shares that #loveisaskill and educates the general public on how to care for themselves and their relationships. ## Transcript **[00:00:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:00:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:01:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:02:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:03:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:04:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:05:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:06:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:07:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:08:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:00]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:05]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:10]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:15]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:20]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:25]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:30]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:35]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:40]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:45]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:50]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:09:55]** www.hradeckesluzby.cz **[00:10:00]** Something different happens. We often associate it with some big external source. **[00:10:05]** And just as we think about it as psychotherapists and psychologists, **[00:10:09]** a crisis is not only what happens externally, but mainly what happens inside us. **[00:10:15]** It means that we ourselves are helpless, at a loss, and don't know how to handle the situation. **[00:10:20]** And it can be something huge, it can be on such a scale, **[00:10:24]** like the death of someone close, but it can also be when you're three years old, **[00:10:29]** and your parent presses the button instead of you. **[00:10:32]** And it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter what the situation is, **[00:10:36]** but we experience the crisis inside. **[00:10:39]** And therefore, a crisis as such is some kind of dangerous situation, **[00:10:42]** which concerns us as a whole. **[00:10:44]** That means it's not that some part of us is experiencing a crisis, **[00:10:47]** but that we as a person are drowning, lost, overwhelmed, **[00:10:52]** somehow consumed by what is happening. **[00:10:56]** It's great to say that it's not pathological, **[00:10:58]** that we all go through crises and probably throughout our lives **[00:11:01]** we experience hundreds, maybe thousands of small crises. **[00:11:04]** And these crises basically grow continuously as **[00:11:07]** we gain experience throughout life. **[00:11:10]** What do I mean by that? **[00:11:12]** That a crisis itself is often a turning point in a person's life. **[00:11:18]** By turning point, I mean we can talk about what the crisis is and what the aftermath is. **[00:11:21]** It's like an earthquake knocking down a house, **[00:11:23]** and the same elements remain, **[00:11:26]** the same materials, but it no longer looks like that house, **[00:11:29]** and we need to rebuild it. **[00:11:32]** And very likely, when we shake off that difficult situation **[00:11:34]** and start building the house again, **[00:11:37]** we will build it better. **[00:11:39]** We won't build it exactly the same, **[00:11:41]** but we will build it a bit better, **[00:11:43]** because we take advantage of the opportunity **[00:11:45]** to do it all over again. **[00:11:47]** And it works exactly the same with us as people. **[00:11:49]** And in this regard, not only René Thorme but also Erik Eriksen speak beautifully about it, **[00:11:52]** who is one of the most famous developmental psychologists in the world, **[00:11:56]** who basically described the entire human development **[00:11:59]** in so-called eight crises, eight developmental phases, **[00:12:02]** where in each phase a person **[00:12:05]** basically struggles between two forces, **[00:12:08]** a good and a bad experience, **[00:12:10]** and thus enters some kind of crisis. **[00:12:14]** And when they overcome that crisis, **[00:12:16]** they move forward in that developmental stage **[00:12:18]** and because of that, they can continue to navigate life **[00:12:19]** with all the competencies they need. **[00:12:22]** I often compare it to a toolkit. **[00:12:25]** If you imagine some kind of bag **[00:12:34]** And in that bag, there are lots of tools, lots of equipment. **[00:12:37]** And you have a lot of tools there now, **[00:12:39]** because you already know that sometimes you need a little hammer, **[00:12:42]** and you know that whenever you need to cut something off, **[00:12:45]** or snap something, you need pliers. **[00:12:47]** And you know that when you need to tighten or secure something, **[00:12:49]** you use a screwdriver. **[00:12:51]** And you have those things there. **[00:12:52]** But if we look at it in terms of our whole life, **[00:12:55]** when you are little children, **[00:12:57]** you have that little bag and it’s empty. **[00:13:00]** It’s a completely empty bag, **[00:13:02]** with not a single tool inside. **[00:13:04]** And that’s why, when any stimulus appears, **[00:13:12]** you might have emotionally intelligent parents, **[00:13:15]** who, after the situation, after your emotional outburst, **[00:13:18]** after the elevator button was pressed, **[00:13:20]** after you split the roll the wrong way, **[00:13:23]** after you peeled the banana, **[00:13:25]** even though they wanted to peel it themselves, and so on, **[00:13:27]** they explain what happened. **[00:13:29]** They explain that the child got angry, **[00:13:31]** that something upset them, **[00:13:33]** and the child then gains that tool for the bag afterwards. **[00:13:37]** They gain the screwdriver or the imaginary pliers. **[00:13:40]** And so next time, after a certain number of such experiences, **[00:13:44]** such crises, they will already know how to use the screwdriver or the pliers. **[00:13:49]** And this is how we acquire tools throughout life, **[00:13:52]** which we carry in that bag **[00:13:54]** and use for specific situations. **[00:13:57]** And thanks to that, over the course of life, we become less and less vulnerable **[00:14:02]** to the same situations, **[00:14:04]** but of course that means bigger situations come along, **[00:14:08]** which bring us into crisis. **[00:14:10]** That means, when we are 30, 40, 50, **[00:14:13]** the elevator button no longer unsettles us, **[00:14:16]** but bigger things at work, **[00:14:19]** bigger things at home, relationship issues, **[00:14:22]** things for which we still don’t have tools in the bag. **[00:14:26]** Am I clear? Does that make sense? Great. **[00:14:29]** That means, I see a crisis as an important turning point in life, **[00:14:33]** because it strengthens us, expands our toolkit, **[00:14:37]** but at the same time, it doesn't mean that experiencing or going through a crisis is easy. **[00:14:40]** It's also a kind of transitional state. **[00:14:43]** As organisms, we try to stay in some kind of balance, **[00:14:45]** to function well in some way, **[00:14:48]** so that it requires as little energy as possible. **[00:14:50]** What a crisis causes is that the body is thrown into complete imbalance, **[00:14:53]** which consumes a lot of energy, **[00:14:57]** and we ourselves get lost in it for a while. **[00:14:59]** And as we go through the crisis, we return to that balance again. **[00:15:02]** As I said, it's more a reaction to the situation than the situation itself. **[00:15:06]** That means if we have Karel and Pavel, **[00:15:10]** both experiencing exactly the same situation, **[00:15:13]** each of them will carry something different in their bag. **[00:15:16]** For Karel, it might be a normal situation he can handle, **[00:15:19]** while for Pavel, it could be a life-stopping crisis moment. **[00:15:22]** It also always manifests individually. **[00:15:27]** It shows differently on the level of the body, **[00:15:29]** on the level of our feelings, on the level of our behavior, **[00:15:32]** in interactions with others, **[00:15:36]** and each of us can experience the crisis differently. **[00:15:38]** This brings a lot of confusion into our lives, **[00:15:41]** because suddenly I have to observe how other people function in crisis, **[00:15:44]** and I can probably be sure they function differently than I do, **[00:15:48]** which puts me into some kind of confusion. **[00:15:52]** I want to ask if you can now recall a situation **[00:15:55]** when you last felt unwell. **[00:15:59]** Ideally, for our purpose today, it was a situation **[00:16:02]** that maybe overwhelmed or consumed you. **[00:16:06]** You felt at least for a moment helpless, powerless. **[00:16:09]** And ideally, it's a situation that's behind you now. **[00:16:13]** If you have it, please raise your hand. **[00:16:16]** I'll wait. **[00:16:21]** And the same goes for those watching us online. **[00:16:23]** You probably don't have to raise your hand, but keep it there. **[00:16:26]** Great, I'll use the fact that you're here. **[00:16:29]** Raise your hand if you have that situation. Thanks. **[00:16:31]** And now, keep your hands raised if you confided in someone. **[00:16:43]** Great, only a few raised their hands. **[00:16:45]** And for those of you who shared, I'm curious if you had... **[00:16:51]** Raise your hand if you had a similar reaction. **[00:16:55]** Sometimes. **[00:16:59]** Raise your hand if you had this reaction. **[00:17:02]** The one you see on the slides now. **[00:17:05]** If you heard, 'It will be OK.' **[00:17:08]** 'Don't cry.' **[00:17:10]** 'Focus on something nice.' **[00:17:12]** 'Nothing really happened.' **[00:17:14]** 'You're too demanding.' **[00:17:17]** Perfect. **[00:17:18]** And now, please raise your hand if that helped you. **[00:17:25]** Great. A few of you here. Perfect. Thank you. **[00:17:27]** I ask this often when I speak, **[00:17:30]** because I have the experience that many of us do this, **[00:17:33]** many of us say it, and it helps very few. **[00:17:36]** You could say that at a certain moment in time it helps everyone, **[00:17:40]** that at a certain moment a well-meaning piece of advice, a solution, a change of perspective, **[00:17:46]** a suggestion on how to handle it, is useful. **[00:17:49]** But it has to come only after we are out of the main acute crisis, **[00:17:56]** Then it can be useful. **[00:17:58]** And often it can be useful when we first ask for it. **[00:18:01]** That means we go to someone for advice. **[00:18:05]** Or, if it's unsolicited advice, it comes from someone we respect, **[00:18:09]** or who is an authority for us. **[00:18:11]** And at that moment, we can hear the advice more. **[00:18:13]** But when we are in panic, in that crisis situation, **[00:18:16]** in the imbalance of the organism, all these phrases **[00:18:19]** usually cause us to get even more emotional. **[00:18:25]** Why do you think these pieces of advice don't work? **[00:18:27]** Any ideas? **[00:18:30]** Is there something that... **[00:18:32]** I hope Honza doesn't mind if someone says it out loud. **[00:18:35]** That they aren't empathetic at all. **[00:18:37]** That they aren't empathetic at all? **[00:18:39]** The advice isn't empathetic at all, that's why it doesn't work. **[00:18:41]** Thank you. **[00:18:43]** Anything else? No one else? **[00:18:45]** Because all the advice concerns things that aren't enforced at all. **[00:18:49]** Yeah, yeah, yeah. At that moment, we're completely overwhelmed by the hard stuff that's happening, **[00:18:53]** so we don't want to at that moment. **[00:18:54]** We actually kind of don't want to think about the good stuff. **[00:18:56]** I often compare it to the typical... **[00:18:59]** The typical situation of the first breakup with your first great love. **[00:19:03]** I think we all, at that moment, **[00:19:05]** well, I hope someone here has experienced it, **[00:19:07]** that you’re not all together since you were fifteen, **[00:19:10]** but those of us who went through first love and first breakup, **[00:19:13]** somewhere inside we sensed it would be okay one day. **[00:19:16]** We also sensed we probably wouldn’t stay alone from seventeen or twenty, **[00:19:19]** for the rest of our lives. **[00:19:21]** We also knew someone else would come along, **[00:19:23]** with whom it would be good and we’d be happy again. **[00:19:26]** I think all of this is information we’ve known for a long time. **[00:19:29]** But when a parent tells us at that moment, don’t worry, it will pass, **[00:19:32]** don’t worry, someone else will come, oh my, you’ll mess up, **[00:19:35]** and it was just the first relationship, **[00:19:37]** you learned, so it hurts. **[00:19:40]** And it hurts because someone just can’t accept it at that moment, **[00:19:44]** and it’s complicated because when we experience something, **[00:19:48]** we clearly remember the outcome. **[00:19:50]** We already know what it’s like, that we got out of that situation **[00:19:53]** and what effect it had. **[00:19:55]** But it’s really hard for us, empathetically, **[00:19:57]** to go back to the process of experiencing it and how it felt for us. **[00:20:00]** Because when we learn something, if you’ve learned any language, **[00:20:04]** there were important moments **[00:20:06]** that helped you move forward in that situation. **[00:20:09]** It just didn’t work for a long time, and suddenly some insight came. **[00:20:12]** Suddenly something came where I said, **[00:20:14]** ah, so that’s how the present perfect tense works, **[00:20:16]** or ah, so that’s how irregular verbs work. **[00:20:18]** There was always some moment. **[00:20:20]** And we don’t recall those moments afterward, **[00:20:22]** so we’re not very good at passing them on. **[00:20:24]** And that’s why we often only pass on the result, **[00:20:27]** that it will be okay, that it really will pass one day, **[00:20:30]** that in a year it will be fine. **[00:20:32]** But right now, it doesn't help at all. **[00:20:35]** And what actually happens there, **[00:20:37]** is that when we get into a crisis, **[00:20:40]** I apologize for the simplification, **[00:20:42]** but for usefulness, I believe it makes sense this way, **[00:20:45]** we operate on about three main principles. **[00:20:48]** Something happens in our head, **[00:20:51]** we have some thoughts, attitudes, opinions, **[00:20:55]** we have some rational information we work with. **[00:20:58]** Then we have some emotions, **[00:21:00]** we experience something, we feel something, **[00:21:02]** something happens to us on the emotional level. **[00:21:05]** And then we have the third corner of the triangle, **[00:21:08]** which is some specific behavior, **[00:21:10]** where emotions and information provoke us **[00:21:13]** to some specific act or action. **[00:21:16]** And what happens in an acute crisis, **[00:21:18]** when we are helpless, when we are overwhelmed, **[00:21:21]** when we feel like we can't go on, **[00:21:23]** is that the thinking actually disconnects a bit. **[00:21:26]** The thoughts disconnect, **[00:21:28]** the constructive solution to the situation disconnects, **[00:21:31]** and we are fully flooded by the emotions we experience. **[00:21:34]** And what people do at that moment, **[00:21:36]** who tell us it will be okay, **[00:21:38]** is that they actually speak to the thinking part. **[00:21:41]** On the rational level, it makes sense, **[00:21:44]** and they basically speak to us in that constructive plane, **[00:21:48]** analytically, rationally, constructively. **[00:21:51]** But since we are disconnected from that, it doesn't work. **[00:21:54]** And what we need, in order to move forward at all, **[00:21:57]** to even start perceiving someone, **[00:21:59]** to even think about how to get out of the situation, **[00:22:03]** is that we need to reconnect our experience **[00:22:07]** and reconnect the triangle so that **[00:22:09]** thinking, emotions, and behavior are connected. **[00:22:14]** And that's what we actually need to address. **[00:22:18]** How can we do that? How can we connect it? **[00:22:21]** And I want to ask you again, what would help you at that moment, **[00:22:24]** instead of receiving well-meaning, **[00:22:27]** Sometimes unsolicited, sometimes solicited advice. **[00:22:30]** When you think back to that situation, **[00:22:33]** the one you just recalled, **[00:22:35]** what would you need to hear, feel, experience? **[00:22:41]** I'm asking now. **[00:22:43]** Anything. One word, two words again. **[00:22:48]** Great, hold on. That's also on the slide, they can see it. **[00:22:53]** I like it. Thank you for being active. **[00:22:56]** Usually the opposite problem is that people aren't, so thank you. **[00:23:05]** Thank you. **[00:23:20]** Great. **[00:23:22]** We have all the winners. **[00:23:30]** Exactly. **[00:23:35]** I can sum it up exactly, I see it a lot, **[00:23:38]** to vent, to be heard, to listen, acceptance, empathy, **[00:23:44]** support, recognition of my crisis, so-called validation, **[00:23:48]** understanding, support, acknowledging emotions. **[00:23:54]** I'm here for you. **[00:23:56]** That's exactly what the remaining 30 minutes we have will be about. **[00:24:00]** How can we actually make people feel, **[00:24:03]** that they are accepted, understood, supported, confirmed. **[00:24:09]** Because we know all this, but it still doesn't happen to us. **[00:24:12]** Someone still comes and says, don't worry, it'll be fine. **[00:24:17]** I would really sum it up with one word, and that is acceptance. **[00:24:20]** What we need to feel is that we are accepted, **[00:24:23]** that our reality is accepted, that what I actually feel is real. **[00:24:29]** What I learned in psychology, during therapeutic trainings, **[00:24:34]** and from over a thousand hours of consultations with my clients, **[00:24:38]** is that what really doesn't help them are my advice, my ideas, my solutions, my perspectives. **[00:24:44]** And watch out, that's often what clients come to therapy for. **[00:24:48]** The most common sentence I hear from clients at the first meeting is, **[00:24:52]** can you advise me on how to solve x, y. **[00:24:55]** I often ask what that advice should look like, what they need. **[00:24:58]** But you know very well that when you want advice, and you kind of suspect, **[00:25:02]** what the outcome is, or when you get that advice, **[00:25:04]** you have a full arsenal of arguments why it won't work. **[00:25:08]** We do that thing like, well, that won't work because I've already tried, **[00:25:12]** well, that didn't work either, this didn't work. **[00:25:15]** Advice simply costs us a lot of energy to come up with and give, **[00:25:20]** and at the same time it costs a lot of energy to constantly feel, **[00:25:23]** that we reject those pieces of advice. **[00:25:24]** And I wonder why we keep giving those companies advice, **[00:25:28]** when we get feedback telling us, **[00:25:30]** that the advice is completely useless. **[00:25:33]** So yes, we can talk about acceptance, about accepting the situation, **[00:25:36]** about accepting empathy, and that's basically **[00:25:39]** what we do in crisis intervention, **[00:25:41]** which means emotional first aid. **[00:25:44]** What we do in crisis intervention, **[00:25:46]** is simple presence here and now, which is engaged. **[00:25:50]** Engaged with the client. **[00:25:52]** That means being interested in the client and what is happening here and now. **[00:25:55]** And the definition of crisis intervention is that **[00:25:58]** we aim to stabilize the person's condition, **[00:26:01]** reduce the danger of the crisis or trigger, **[00:26:05]** and at the same time ensure that the crisis state, **[00:26:09]** the difficulty, does not deepen. **[00:26:12]** And we do all this so that the person becomes competent **[00:26:15]** to help themselves. **[00:26:18]** So they can connect within that triangle, **[00:26:21]** take a breath, and continue with their life. **[00:26:24]** And why? We don't give advice, we don't improve the person's life, **[00:26:28]** we don't offer solutions, we don't tell them what to do differently, **[00:26:32]** we don't advise someone to divorce a person who abuses them, **[00:26:35]** when they call a crisis line about domestic violence. **[00:26:40]** Instead, we focus on how to help them in that moment **[00:26:42]** so they become competent enough to go and handle it themselves. **[00:26:46]** And why am I telling you this, even though I suspect **[00:26:49]** that no one will become a crisis intervener today **[00:26:52]** or go to a hotline or crisis center, **[00:26:55]** there is a sad statistic, **[00:26:57]** that up to 80% of people do not seek professional help when they need it. **[00:27:02]** That means we are overloaded, **[00:27:06]** but also people don't go when they need to. **[00:27:10]** And that means they come to you. **[00:27:12]** They come to you as their wives, **[00:27:15]** partners, friends, colleagues, bosses, **[00:27:20]** sometimes even just fellow tenants or train passengers. **[00:27:24]** People come to others when they need help **[00:27:28]** and they don't really care if the help is professional or personal. **[00:27:32]** And what you can give is a formative experience. **[00:27:37]** You can give the message that asking for help was a good idea. **[00:27:41]** And by doing so, increase the likelihood that the person will ask for help next time, **[00:27:44]** that they won't be alone in it. **[00:27:46]** And I believe this is incredibly important for today's world. **[00:27:50]** Considering the worsening mental health, **[00:27:53]** and the alarming numbers we have **[00:27:56]** of completed and attempted suicides, **[00:27:59]** which mostly concern men, because they don't know how to ask for help **[00:28:03]** and don't share as much as women do. **[00:28:06]** So they often sink so deeply into the crisis, **[00:28:09]** that they no longer see a way out. **[00:28:11]** That's why I think it's important to say, **[00:28:14]** how you can turn a difficult situation, **[00:28:18]** when someone comes and says, I don't know what to do, I don't know what's next, **[00:28:22]** into a formative, positive experience, **[00:28:25]** where people realize that asking for help makes sense **[00:28:28]** and that they'll come again next time. **[00:28:31]** And I support this acceptance with this mantra. **[00:28:34]** In English, it's called connection before correction. **[00:28:38]** I translate it into Czech as connection before correction, **[00:28:41]** even though it doesn't sound as melodic as connection before correction. **[00:28:46]** I borrow it from child psychologist and psychotherapist Daniel Hughes. **[00:28:52]** Daniel Hughes is the author of child-rearing focused on a strong, secure bond. **[00:28:58]** That means positive discipline. **[00:29:01]** Daniel Hughes says children gain much more from their development **[00:29:06]** when they feel loved than when they know how to behave properly. **[00:29:11]** Or when they know they should brush their teeth at night. **[00:29:14]** He says connection must come first. **[00:29:17]** The child needs to feel important, loved, **[00:29:21]** and that someone cares, so they can learn. **[00:29:24]** We can only learn when we feel safe. **[00:29:27]** At that moment, we switch to our exploring mode. **[00:29:30]** At that moment, we want to explore something. **[00:29:32]** We want to overcome obstacles, step a bit outside our comfort zone, **[00:29:37]** and discover what the world has to offer. **[00:29:39]** But when we don't feel safe, we're in survival mode, **[00:29:43]** and we reach a point of uncertainty, **[00:29:46]** am I in crisis, am I not, does it make sense to invest energy now **[00:29:50]** into something new, or should I protect what I have right now. **[00:29:55]** Daniel Hughes describes how important it is to... **[00:30:00]** find a way to connect with the child. **[00:30:02]** Maybe through humor, maybe through touch, **[00:30:04]** like you wrote, through a hug. **[00:30:08]** And when we connect, **[00:30:10]** we don't have to stay only in the child relationship, **[00:30:13]** we can also reach the adult one. **[00:30:14]** And this connects us to Sue Johnson. **[00:30:16]** Sue Johnson is an American couples therapist, **[00:30:20]** who basically created her own therapeutic approach for couples **[00:30:24]** focused specifically on emotional attachment. **[00:30:28]** Over the course of her consultations and more than 35 years, **[00:30:35]** three decades of practice focused on couples and attachment, **[00:30:40]** she concluded that love is about **[00:30:42]** seeking a basic and secure connection with the other. **[00:30:45]** And when we feel that basic secure connection, **[00:30:48]** when we feel safe and good with our partner, **[00:30:52]** we can forgive the everyday hurts **[00:30:55]** that the partner causes. **[00:30:56]** At the moment we feel that things flow smoothly between us, **[00:30:59]** we are okay with them still doing things that hurt us. **[00:31:03]** But when that safety and connection is missing, **[00:31:06]** we enter difficult states. **[00:31:10]** And we depend on this secure connection. **[00:31:15]** This dependence is very important because as humans we are social beings, **[00:31:19]** we need to depend on someone. **[00:31:21]** We need to feel that we mutually provide care, **[00:31:25]** safety, and protection. **[00:31:27]** I feel that dependence nowadays has a negative connotation. **[00:31:32]** We often talk about it as something bad, **[00:31:35]** because we associate it with substance addictions, **[00:31:40]** like addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, and so on. **[00:31:45]** But as humans, we are dependent. **[00:31:48]** We need to depend, we need to depend on someone else. **[00:31:52]** And the worst thing that can happen to us in life is isolation. **[00:31:55]** Even in ancient Greece they knew this, **[00:31:57]** which is why ostracism was one of the worst punishments **[00:32:00]** they could impose on their citizens, their peers. **[00:32:05]** Being expelled from a group or population. **[00:32:09]** Because as a human, when alone, you start to suffer. **[00:32:13]** And in this regard, we focus precisely on safety and connection. **[00:32:19]** So why don't we do it if we know all this? **[00:32:23]** Why don't we offer a hug first? **[00:32:27]** Why don't we give people support? **[00:32:31]** Why don't we stay silent? **[00:32:36]** We prioritize fixing things for various reasons, **[00:32:40]** and I'd like to explain why. **[00:32:43]** One thing is that as humans, we try to avoid pain. **[00:32:46]** That means we maximize gains, **[00:32:49]** doing what feels good and comfortable, **[00:32:52]** and minimize what feels bad, **[00:32:54]** what's unpleasant or painful. **[00:32:57]** And when you care about someone who is going through something painful, **[00:33:00]** it hurts us a little too. **[00:33:03]** We know that feeling sometimes, like, you're struggling, I don't know how to help you, and it hurts me too. **[00:33:09]** And because we, who are not in that situation, have that triangle connected, **[00:33:13]** our brain at that moment thinks 100%, **[00:33:16]** trying to find ways to push that pain away from us, to reduce it, **[00:33:20]** because it doesn't want us to experience that pain. **[00:33:22]** So it starts inventing ways to lessen the pain, **[00:33:26]** to devalue it, to artificially diminish it. **[00:33:29]** These are the kinds of advice like, it'll be fine, it'll pass, don't worry, **[00:33:32]** it's totally okay, what can you do, you're fine now, **[00:33:36]** and you have two healthy kids, so why are you upset? **[00:33:39]** Many different rationalizations and arguments we hear. **[00:33:43]** That's because we, as listeners, as those people confide in, **[00:33:49]** don't feel comfortable in that situation. **[00:33:51]** Another thing is that we also lack enough information **[00:33:53]** to see the world through someone else's eyes. **[00:33:56]** It's logical, each of us carries our own baggage, **[00:33:59]** and we don't really see the burdens of others, **[00:34:01]** we don't see what coping strategies that person has, **[00:34:05]** and we don't know what they've experienced in life. **[00:34:08]** So we can only judge the situation based on our own points, **[00:34:13]** only based on the path we've walked ourselves. **[00:34:15]** And so we tend to give advice based on what would help us. **[00:34:20]** Moreover, we live in a time when our empathy is already exhausted. **[00:34:26]** If we look at what TV news looks like, **[00:34:28]** if we look at the internet world, **[00:34:34]** what the news there looks like, **[00:34:36]** So we find that everything requires some empathy from us. **[00:34:42]** I'll borrow that marketing journalistic slogan **[00:34:45]** What bleeds, leads. **[00:34:47]** What bleeds attracts, leads. **[00:34:50]** And it reflects in all the news we see. **[00:34:53]** That's the price of globalization, as I see it from our psychotherapeutic perspective, **[00:34:58]** where we learn in real time about all the bad things happening around the world. **[00:35:02]** We know instantly about the earthquake in Turkey and Syria. **[00:35:07]** We know instantly that there is a war in Ukraine. **[00:35:10]** We know instantly that people are dying from covid. **[00:35:13]** That there is an earthquake or tornado in South Moravia. **[00:35:16]** Basically, it doesn't matter what information we take in, **[00:35:19]** all this information affects us and draws empathy from us. **[00:35:23]** Because the moment we see the image, **[00:35:26]** the brain automatically interprets the situation. **[00:35:29]** It tries to project onto it, tries to imagine it somehow. **[00:35:33]** And it draws empathy from us. **[00:35:35]** That means sometimes we don't have to do anything all day, **[00:35:39]** and we're already drained just by everything we've absorbed. **[00:35:42]** All of it pulls out our passive empathy. **[00:35:46]** And we also deal with helplessness by switching into some problem-solving mode. **[00:35:52]** Because research shows that when we feel helpless, **[00:35:57]** we start to suffer even more. **[00:36:00]** There is also some secondary traumatization, secondary worsening of the situation itself. **[00:36:06]** And when people are ill but feel some empowerment, **[00:36:11]** feel they have autonomy, that they can make decisions, **[00:36:14]** it leads to better treatment outcomes. **[00:36:18]** And when someone else is going through it, we can't do it for them. **[00:36:23]** We can't jump into their body, into their experience, **[00:36:26]** solve the situation, slap it with our tools, **[00:36:29]** and then jump out with the person fixed. **[00:36:32]** And that actually puts a lot of strain on us ourselves, **[00:36:36]** because we have to watch people suffer. **[00:36:39]** Maybe they suffer over something we've already resolved, **[00:36:42]** and we can't really help them except by being there for them. **[00:36:47]** And then a pragmatic reason, but I think it's important to mention. **[00:36:53]** Or we don't always want to help. **[00:36:55]** When we're tired after a whole day of work, **[00:36:58]** we just don't want to spend two hours on the phone **[00:37:01]** with a friend who's going through what we think is her 85th pointless breakup. **[00:37:06]** And there are simply situations when we don't need or want help, **[00:37:11]** and that's okay too. **[00:37:13]** We can also kindly tell someone asking for help **[00:37:16]** that we can't, don't want to, or aren't able to help. **[00:37:19]** But emphasize the kindness in that. **[00:37:21]** What I notice is that often we don't know how to say that to people. **[00:37:23]** We can't say, hey, I don't have time, or I'm tired, **[00:37:26]** I don't want to give this space right now. **[00:37:29]** So instead, we brush the person off by giving some advice, **[00:37:31]** and feel like we've done our part and can move on. **[00:37:33]** So now we know that in all these moments, **[00:37:35]** when we think we understand the situation, **[00:37:39]** when we judge it from our perspective, **[00:37:44]** it's important to put our ego aside, **[00:37:48]** our need to solve the situation, **[00:37:50]** and restrain our unsolicited responsibility for others. **[00:37:53]** I think this is the first skill **[00:37:55]** we learn in therapy or crisis intervention. **[00:37:58]** Not to take responsibility for others. **[00:38:00]** To be there for them. **[00:38:04]** Maybe to temporarily lighten their load. **[00:38:06]** While we're together, to share the burden with them, **[00:38:07]** but definitely not to take responsibility for them. **[00:38:09]** But now let's talk about how to actually do this. **[00:38:11]** I'll play a short video. **[00:38:13]** If you know it, that's great. **[00:38:16]** I think it's probably the best two-minute video **[00:38:20]** you can find on the internet. **[00:38:22]** In my opinion, it's one of the most successful TED videos. **[00:38:25]** I know it, and every time I watch it, I get moved. **[00:38:27]** I feel like we should make it a habit, **[00:38:30]** to watch it once a week, **[00:38:33]** to remind ourselves what really matters in those moments. **[00:38:36]** ...who studied professions, very demanding professions, **[00:38:38]** where empathy is important, and came up with four qualities of empathy. **[00:38:40]** The ability to emerge with another person, **[00:39:11]** or to emerge with their profession as their truth. **[00:39:25]** Emerging from order. **[00:39:26]** It's not better when you use it like all of us. **[00:39:30]** The emergence of emotions with other people and then communicating that. **[00:39:34]** Empathy is feeling with people. **[00:39:38]** And for me, I always think empathy is like a global place, **[00:39:42]** where someone is in an important government, and they say from the head and say, **[00:39:47]** that I am still mortal, I am convinced. **[00:39:50]** And then we follow and say, **[00:39:53]** hey, you are convinced. **[00:39:55]** I know how it is here. **[00:39:57]** And you are not simple. **[00:39:58]** Empathy is... **[00:40:00]** Uuuh, that's terrible, uh-huh. **[00:40:05]** Uuuh, no. Do you want a sandwich? **[00:40:10]** Empathy is a decision and a matter of choice, **[00:40:14]** because to connect with you, I have to connect with something inside myself, **[00:40:18]** that believes this feeling. **[00:40:21]** At the same time, if not, the empathetic response starts **[00:40:25]** with at least. **[00:40:28]** I had... yeah. And we always do that. **[00:40:31]** Because you know what? Someone looked at us with something, **[00:40:34]** which is incredibly sad, and we care about making it strong. I think it's not verbal, **[00:40:37]** but I use it. We care about making it strong. **[00:40:40]** So I had a matter. **[00:40:43]** At least you know you can get pregnant. **[00:40:46]** I think my marriage is falling apart. **[00:40:48]** At least you have a marriage. **[00:40:50]** At least John is getting kicked out of school. **[00:40:56]** At least Sarah is an A student. **[00:40:58]** But one of the things we do sometimes **[00:41:00]** in the face of very difficult conversations **[00:41:02]** is we try to make things better. **[00:41:07]** If I share something with you that's very difficult, **[00:41:09]** I'd rather you say, **[00:41:11]** I don't even know what to say right now, **[00:41:14]** I'm just so glad you told me. **[00:41:15]** Because the truth is, rarely can a response **[00:41:18]** make something better. **[00:41:21]** What makes something better is connection. **[00:41:53]** How to do it. It's indescribable. **[00:41:55]** What does it mean? **[00:41:57]** Because when I know the situation, I understand it, **[00:42:00]** it's the easiest thing I can do at the moment. **[00:42:02]** It just pops up in my head. **[00:42:04]** But now you're telling me **[00:42:06]** that I should do something completely different, **[00:42:08]** that ideally I should be silent and embrace it. **[00:42:10]** But will it help? What about it? **[00:42:12]** So I can imagine that in your heads **[00:42:14]** there could be some kind of panic **[00:42:16]** or confusion. **[00:42:18]** And how? What about it? **[00:42:22]** Well, I have a few points here, **[00:42:24]** because there is no universal guide in psychotherapy. **[00:42:28]** But crisis intervention, yes. **[00:42:31]** And so I want to say the most basic things **[00:42:33]** that I think can serve you very well **[00:42:35]** in any situation, **[00:42:37]** whether it's a partner situation, **[00:42:39]** a family situation, or any other situation, **[00:42:41]** for example at work. **[00:42:42]** The first thing is that we can give the other person **[00:42:44]** our full attention here and now. **[00:42:46]** And it's something that I like to say, **[00:42:49]** that the whole world will stop so that I can hear you. **[00:42:52]** That I'm just here. **[00:42:53]** And it means that at that moment **[00:42:55]** I have to turn off everything else in my head. **[00:42:57]** I have to turn off what I'm going to cook tonight, **[00:43:00]** I have to turn off who's going to pick up my kids and when, **[00:43:03]** I have to turn off what I'm going to do on the weekend. **[00:43:06]** If I want to help the other person, **[00:43:08]** it means that I have to be here, here and now, **[00:43:10]** and feel with my whole body, head and heart **[00:43:14]** what the person is telling me. **[00:43:17]** And when I do it like this, I need to calm myself down. **[00:43:20]** At the moment when I'm going at the speed of fashion, **[00:43:23]** at the moment when my head is running, **[00:43:25]** my thoughts, **[00:43:26]** I won't get there. **[00:43:27]** I won't reach the moment **[00:43:29]** when I can be present for the other person. **[00:43:31]** So the first thing is that I work on myself. **[00:43:33]** Working with the breath helps someone, **[00:43:35]** it helps someone, **[00:43:37]** it's like a kind of neurotechnical tool, **[00:43:40]** some kind of axe. **[00:43:41]** Some people need to drink water, **[00:43:43]** to drink a lot of water to calm down. **[00:43:46]** It means you need to sit down and rest. **[00:43:49]** For someone else, it's a kind of mindfulness technique, **[00:43:52]** where you focus on the breath, **[00:43:54]** where you work with the quadruple breath **[00:43:56]** or some other technique. **[00:43:58]** But it's about the moment when I want to be here for the other person, **[00:44:01]** I need to be well grounded and prepared **[00:44:04]** to talk to that person. **[00:44:06]** It's eye contact. **[00:44:07]** Eye contact that we often avoid, **[00:44:10]** that we're afraid of, **[00:44:11]** because it says something, it demands something, **[00:44:14]** it's kind of intense. **[00:44:16]** And then there's silence, **[00:44:18]** which we don't really know how to handle in our society. **[00:44:21]** Because we live in a society that is performance-oriented, **[00:44:24]** that is extrovert-polarized, **[00:44:27]** and it's good to talk. **[00:44:29]** To be able to listen, to say sensible things, **[00:44:32]** to look smart, **[00:44:33]** that's what's valued in our society. **[00:44:35]** But to support, to listen and to be silent **[00:44:39]** is far more valuable, **[00:44:41]** because it's rare in the society we live in. **[00:44:45]** Another thing is to be aware of what I say **[00:44:48]** and ideally of what I don't say. **[00:44:50]** I remember one incident on Instagram **[00:44:54]** that was about the phrase, **[00:44:55]** I didn't ask. **[00:44:56]** It was made by my friend, **[00:44:58]** a visual activist, **[00:44:59]** Teresa Semeradova, **[00:45:01]** who created merch with the phrase, **[00:45:05]** I didn't ask, **[00:45:07]** which responds to unsolicited questions **[00:45:11]** and answers that don't fit. **[00:45:13]** For example, when will you have a second child? **[00:45:15]** Or why aren't you pregnant yet? **[00:45:17]** And so on. **[00:45:19]** I was a big fan of this project on one hand, **[00:45:22]** and on the other, I was sad **[00:45:24]** that we need a t-shirt **[00:45:26]** to learn how to behave decently, **[00:45:28]** to learn what helps us. **[00:45:31]** I believe learning not to say things, **[00:45:33]** or to say them with care, **[00:45:35]** is important. **[00:45:37]** Asking the question, **[00:45:38]** do you plan to have children? **[00:45:39]** is fine with me **[00:45:40]** when I say, **[00:45:41]** because I'm interested, **[00:45:43]** and I can take responsibility **[00:45:45]** if I hurt the well-meaning question. **[00:45:48]** For example, by saying, **[00:45:49]** that's wrong, **[00:45:50]** I didn't know, **[00:45:51]** I don't think it's appropriate. **[00:45:52]** I won't ask anymore. **[00:45:54]** Or, if you want, **[00:45:55]** I'm here and you can talk to me about it, **[00:45:58]** if it helps you. **[00:46:00]** It's not about not asking, **[00:46:02]** or not being interested. **[00:46:03]** Nowadays, in society, **[00:46:04]** I see a lot of excessive politeness. **[00:46:07]** I can't afford to say anything anymore. **[00:46:10]** I can't afford to ask anyone anything. **[00:46:13]** I can't afford to use any male-female example **[00:46:16]** so a woman won't get offended. **[00:46:18]** And I say, **[00:46:19]** we can. **[00:46:20]** We can do it all, **[00:46:21]** because each of us is different, **[00:46:22]** and each of us has our limits set differently. **[00:46:24]** For each of us, **[00:46:25]** it's something different, **[00:46:27]** humorous or funny. **[00:46:29]** But we need to be ready **[00:46:30]** to hurt the other person, **[00:46:32]** and we can do it **[00:46:33]** by taking responsibility, **[00:46:34]** by realizing **[00:46:35]** that we're with that person. **[00:46:36]** And we don't say it **[00:46:37]** just to say it, **[00:46:38]** but because we care **[00:46:40]** about the other person's reaction. **[00:46:43]** A key point, **[00:46:45]** I'd say, **[00:46:46]** on one hand, **[00:46:48]** is the hardest, **[00:46:50]** at first glance, **[00:46:51]** but at the same time **[00:46:52]** a universal tool for everything. **[00:46:54]** It's validating feelings, **[00:46:55]** wishes, and needs. **[00:46:57]** Validating that someone feels something. **[00:47:00]** I like to say, **[00:47:01]** I believe you. **[00:47:03]** That what you say is true. **[00:47:05]** I really believe you. **[00:47:07]** And I think learning to say this **[00:47:09]** would help a lot. **[00:47:11]** Because validating feelings means **[00:47:13]** that I feel, **[00:47:14]** that I matter, **[00:47:16]** that what I feel is true, **[00:47:18]** and that I believe in myself. **[00:47:20]** And again, **[00:47:21]** We can see this in raising children. **[00:47:23]** When children are angry, **[00:47:26]** you tell them, **[00:47:27]** this is not a reason to be angry. **[00:47:30]** And it makes them as confused as possible **[00:47:33]** about their experiences. **[00:47:35]** I feel that I'm angry, **[00:47:36]** I kick with my feet, **[00:47:37]** I cry, **[00:47:38]** and someone tells me **[00:47:39]** that I'm not angry, **[00:47:40]** that it's not a reason to be angry. **[00:47:42]** So is there something wrong with me? **[00:47:44]** That's something that happens **[00:47:46]** in the background, **[00:47:47]** at the level of small children, **[00:47:48]** when they say, **[00:47:49]** so what does this body tell me, **[00:47:51]** when my parent, **[00:47:53]** someone I like, **[00:47:54]** and who I respect, **[00:47:56]** and who I admire, **[00:47:57]** and who is like a god to me, **[00:47:59]** even in my old age, **[00:48:00]** tells me that I'm not angry, **[00:48:02]** that I shouldn't be angry, **[00:48:03]** that I shouldn't be angry, **[00:48:05]** that I shouldn't be sad, **[00:48:07]** but I feel it inside. **[00:48:10]** So validation is something **[00:48:12]** that allows us **[00:48:13]** to be even more ourselves, **[00:48:15]** and to be even more real **[00:48:17]** in what we experience and do. **[00:48:20]** And I often hear the argument, **[00:48:23]** well yeah, **[00:48:24]** but what if I don't feel it? **[00:48:26]** For example, **[00:48:27]** in partner relationships, **[00:48:28]** how can I validate a feeling **[00:48:30]** to someone else, **[00:48:31]** when I feel it differently? **[00:48:33]** And I think it's possible, **[00:48:34]** because they are two different things. **[00:48:36]** And I want to give you an example. **[00:48:38]** You can handle any situation, **[00:48:40]** when you're angry at your partner, **[00:48:42]** for any reason, **[00:48:43]** or your partner, **[00:48:44]** and you overcome the pressure yourself, **[00:48:47]** I'm going to make waves, **[00:48:48]** I'm going to disrupt the pleasant atmosphere, **[00:48:50]** I'm going to say it, **[00:48:51]** because I'm angry **[00:48:52]** and I want to open up. **[00:48:53]** And you do it, **[00:48:54]** and your partner, **[00:48:55]** or your partner, **[00:48:56]** or your partner, **[00:48:57]** really reacts to me in two ways. **[00:48:59]** She has a choice. **[00:49:00]** One option is that she says, **[00:49:02]** I'm sorry I made you angry, **[00:49:04]** I didn't know it would upset you, **[00:49:06]** or I didn't know it would hurt you, **[00:49:09]** I didn't expect this to hurt you. **[00:49:16]** Or they can have another reaction, **[00:49:18]** and that is, **[00:49:19]** are you really angry because of this? **[00:49:21]** Is this really the reason **[00:49:22]** why we're arguing now? **[00:49:24]** And I want to say **[00:49:25]** that we all do it, **[00:49:26]** including me, **[00:49:27]** that there are situations **[00:49:28]** when I can't switch on **[00:49:29]** this supportive, **[00:49:30]** helpful mode, **[00:49:31]** the validating mode, **[00:49:32]** and when I also lose it **[00:49:33]** because I don't have my source anymore, **[00:49:35]** I don't have energy. **[00:49:36]** But it's important for me **[00:49:37]** to realize that it's happening to us, **[00:49:39]** that we have these two poles, **[00:49:40]** and that we need to cultivate the one **[00:49:42]** that says, **[00:49:43]** you're angry, **[00:49:44]** you're angry, **[00:49:45]** you're angry, **[00:49:46]** you're angry, **[00:49:47]** you're angry, **[00:49:48]** you're angry, **[00:49:49]** you're angry, **[00:49:50]** you're angry, **[00:49:51]** you're angry, **[00:49:52]** you're angry, **[00:49:53]** you're angry, **[00:49:54]** you're angry, **[00:49:55]** you're angry, **[00:49:56]** you're angry, **[00:49:57]** you're angry, **[00:49:58]** you're angry, **[00:49:59]** you're angry, **[00:50:00]** you're angry, **[00:50:01]** you're angry, **[00:50:02]** you're angry, **[00:50:03]** you're angry, **[00:50:04]** you're angry, **[00:50:05]** you're angry, **[00:50:06]** you're angry, **[00:50:07]** you're angry, **[00:50:08]** you're angry, **[00:50:09]** you're angry, **[00:50:10]** you're angry, **[00:50:11]** you're angry, **[00:50:12]** you're angry, **[00:50:13]** you're angry, **[00:50:14]** you're angry, **[00:50:15]** you're angry, **[00:50:16]** you're angry, **[00:50:17]** you're angry, **[00:50:18]** you're angry, **[00:50:19]** you're angry, **[00:50:20]** you're angry, **[00:50:00]** I believe you that the situation was hard for you. **[00:50:03]** And it doesn't have to mean that I will change anything about myself. **[00:50:06]** And it doesn't have to mean that I'm apologizing. **[00:50:08]** It doesn't have to mean that I feel guilty. **[00:50:11]** It's just about taking responsibility for having hurt someone. **[00:50:18]** In recent days, the Dušek case has been all over the news. **[00:50:21]** I don't want to comment on the situation itself, **[00:50:25]** but it brings me back to the Four Agreements. **[00:50:27]** And I feel like we've misused the Four Agreements a lot in society. **[00:50:31]** Not taking things personally, and always seeing it as the other person's issue. **[00:50:36]** I think we've used that to avoid our own responsibility **[00:50:39]** for the fact that we can hurt or wound others by how we behave. **[00:50:42]** And it's totally okay to take responsibility **[00:50:46]** for having hurt someone, without taking it personally **[00:50:50]** or without being wrong. **[00:50:54]** We can say things that are true, **[00:50:56]** we can clearly set how we want to do things, **[00:50:59]** and still hurt the other person, and that's on us. **[00:51:04]** The fourth and fifth relate to vulnerability. **[00:51:07]** I'll combine both. **[00:51:08]** When I don't know what the situation means, **[00:51:12]** when I don't know what's going on inside me, **[00:51:14]** what I can always do is appreciate vulnerability. **[00:51:17]** I see vulnerability in someone sharing. **[00:51:20]** Someone not being okay with how things are, **[00:51:24]** not pretending to be a hero, not acting like they're fine, **[00:51:26]** but coming forward and saying, I don't know. **[00:51:29]** I don't know how it is, I don't know what to do, I'm scared. **[00:51:33]** And we can at least appreciate that they say it, that they share it, **[00:51:37]** and we can also let out our own vulnerability. **[00:51:40]** Saying, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to react. **[00:51:43]** What Brené Brown says in that video is **[00:51:45]** I don't know how you feel, but thank you for telling me. **[00:51:50]** And the most common argument I get after this is, **[00:51:53]** but won't there be more emotions, doesn't that mean, **[00:51:56]** that if I immerse myself with the person who is in trouble, **[00:51:59]** that I will only bring them down more, or that the person **[00:52:02]** will cry even more, scream even more, **[00:52:05]** will be even angrier, because often we do this **[00:52:08]** with a good intention to help that person. **[00:52:11]** And I often describe it using a reservoir. **[00:52:14]** If you imagine a large water reservoir, a dam, **[00:52:18]** you fill that dam with emotions, **[00:52:21]** then validating, being there, **[00:52:24]** being here and now, appreciating vulnerability, **[00:52:28]** releasing your own emotions, it's like you are lifting the sluice gates, **[00:52:32]** you regulate the dam and let the emotions flow to the surface, **[00:52:36]** so you see them. **[00:52:38]** So yes, there is a high probability **[00:52:40]** that when you hug someone, **[00:52:42]** when you say, I believe you, **[00:52:44]** it must be hard, that person will start crying more, **[00:52:47]** because you are giving them a pass, **[00:52:49]** you are giving them permission to express those emotions. **[00:52:53]** And that causes the emotions to flow out of the reservoir. **[00:52:58]** But what you also do is regulate the flood, **[00:53:01]** you decide how much emotion you let out. **[00:53:05]** The other situation, when the sluice gate is not lifted, **[00:53:10]** when we don't open it, **[00:53:13]** is that the person holds it together with us at that moment, **[00:53:16]** maybe they hold it together tomorrow, maybe even a week later, **[00:53:19]** but then what happens is the dam simply breaks **[00:53:21]** and the emotions come out. **[00:53:24]** In an uncontrollable, unregulated way, **[00:53:26]** causing damage around. **[00:53:29]** And I also use this graph you see here, **[00:53:33]** where the curve shows how our emotions change. **[00:53:38]** Throughout the day, weeks, months of life, they vary. **[00:53:41]** Of course, it depends on our character, temperament, **[00:53:43]** how we are internally set up, **[00:53:46]** what we learned from our parents, **[00:53:52]** what we know is natural and allowed in our experience, etc. **[00:53:54]** But we have some oscillation. **[00:53:58]** Our emotions are sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker. **[00:54:01]** Sometimes we feel calm, and sometimes, on the contrary, **[00:54:05]** And the trigger of the emotion, that first red dot, **[00:54:08]** is the external stimulus that comes in. **[00:54:11]** It's the tool, or the situation that calls for some tool. **[00:54:15]** And we grow with that emotion. **[00:54:17]** What we do when we validate the emotion, **[00:54:20]** is we allow the peak to be faster, **[00:54:24]** so it actually rises quickly and falls quickly. **[00:54:28]** So we shorten the time the person stays in that intense emotion. **[00:54:32]** If we don't do that, the person might reach that peak slowly. **[00:54:37]** It took a moment to get up, but Honza told me I mustn't. **[00:54:41]** So what I do when I don't validate, **[00:54:45]** when I say, it will be fine, focus your attention, you can handle it, **[00:54:49]** we actually push the emotion down permanently. **[00:54:52]** And in this way, we kind of put the emotion under a lid so it stays there. **[00:54:56]** We put it back into the reservoir. **[00:54:58]** And it just stretches out, and when another stimulus, another trigger comes, **[00:55:02]** it explodes later. **[00:55:04]** So validating emotion means that probably at that moment, **[00:55:08]** you will be overwhelmed by someone yelling at you, **[00:55:12]** crying a lot, or showing strong emotions in some other physical way. **[00:55:17]** That they are experiencing strong emotions. **[00:55:19]** And here I like to quote Sigmund Freud, **[00:55:22]** that unexpressed emotion does not disappear. **[00:55:24]** It is simply buried alive to show up later, **[00:55:28]** in a more unpleasant form. **[00:55:30]** And what unpleasant means varies. **[00:55:33]** For some, it means they explode later at their children, **[00:55:37]** in the evening, because that's when the lightning rod works, **[00:55:40]** or they lived a life where they never learned to express emotions, **[00:55:44]** and it stays in their body. **[00:55:46]** Then clients come to therapy and say, **[00:55:49]** my stomach hurts, my head hurts, my back hurts. **[00:55:53]** And when we talk about it, we find out, **[00:55:55]** it's all the tension, the contraction, **[00:55:58]** where the client needed to work through that emotion. **[00:56:03]** And then, when we manage to connect with the other, **[00:56:07]** meaning when we create that connection, **[00:56:09]** when we validate their reality, **[00:56:11]** their subjective experience, **[00:56:13]** at the moment we give that person safety and support, **[00:56:18]** when we briefly take off the burden they carry, **[00:56:21]** what happens is that the person becomes whole again. **[00:56:24]** The triangle fits back together, **[00:56:27]** all three points reconnect, **[00:56:29]** and through that, the person reconnects with all their tools, **[00:56:32]** with all the instruments and equipment they have in their toolbox, **[00:56:36]** so they can start addressing the situation. **[00:56:38]** And that’s the moment when advice, suggestions, **[00:56:43]** sharing our experience, **[00:56:46]** and other well-meaning interventions can come in. **[00:56:53]** And that brings me to the conclusion, where I feel **[00:56:57]** that acceptance is actually a key aspect of healthy relationships. **[00:57:02]** And healthy relationships are the foundation not only for our physical and mental health, **[00:57:07]** but also for a healthier, more respectful society. **[00:57:11]** It might seem that the guide is still elusive, **[00:57:15]** still somewhat challenging. **[00:57:17]** But I actually think it sounds scary, **[00:57:20]** yet sitting down with that person, being there, **[00:57:24]** relaxing a bit, getting into a comfortable position, **[00:57:28]** slowing down for a moment and saying, I believe you, **[00:57:32]** is a universal method you can use in any situation **[00:57:36]** with any person, and it will have an effect. **[00:57:39]** So I’d really like to ask you to try it out, **[00:57:44]** to experiment, and next time you find yourself in that situation, **[00:57:48]** to be able to tame your own ego **[00:57:52]** and just be there with that person for a moment. **[00:57:55]** The last thing I have for you is this QR code. **[00:57:58]** It’s a directory of professional help. **[00:58:01]** It’s a blog article where I tried to list **[00:58:05]** all available help in the Czech Republic **[00:58:09]** for various specific problems and different age groups. **[00:58:14]** I’m sharing it with you because **[00:58:17]** there are situations where you don’t have to be the one to help. **[00:58:20]** So I’d be glad if we could reduce that 80%, **[00:58:24]** which refers to you, and people would know **[00:58:27]** that there are many useful organizations and individuals **[00:58:32]** who do their work well and can help others. **[00:58:36]** Thank you and take care. **[00:58:53]** So, thank you. **[00:58:58]** I’m actually thinking about how to follow up on that now. **[00:59:02]** And I would really like to have the appearance. **[00:59:05]** It's like when you go to some training nowadays **[00:59:10]** and now everyone says they know what to do. **[00:59:13]** Then I come home to my wife and the first thing is, **[00:59:16]** click, click, click, and it all goes back. **[00:59:19]** So I think about how to keep it, what you said, as long as possible. **[00:59:24]** It's probably as simple as setting a weekly reminder, **[00:59:27]** to watch the Brain&Breakfast video. **[00:59:29]** What amazes me is how you managed to capture the whole essence in two minutes **[00:59:34]** so simply that we understand it, that it really is about, **[00:59:38]** I have to go down into that hole with the person and be there with them. **[00:59:43]** And the bear doesn't pull the fox up. **[00:59:45]** It doesn't say come back because up there is the sun, **[00:59:48]** up there is light, it's beautiful there, it smells nice, there's food, I don't know what. **[00:59:53]** And I think that's what we do, **[00:59:55]** that we often grab the person and carry them somewhere else. **[00:59:58]** But what we need is to learn **[01:00:00]** to go down to that person and stay there for a while. **[01:00:03]** And on the other hand, we have the choice, **[01:00:05]** because then we go back home, **[01:00:07]** to our family, or to ourselves, **[01:00:09]** and we can be okay, and not experience it. **[01:00:12]** But that for a moment we can help the other person in the dark, **[01:00:15]** is something good to remember. **[01:00:17]** Thank you. **[01:00:19]** By the way, the most hyped question above was **[01:00:23]** whether we will share the video. **[01:00:25]** So I already put the link on the slide **[01:00:28]** and I also posted it on social media, **[01:00:30]** so we will definitely share the video further. **[01:00:35]** I just remind you, even though I don't want to anymore, **[01:00:39]** that you can ask questions through the slide, **[01:00:41]** because there are already tons of questions there **[01:00:44]** and I know we can't get to all of them. **[01:00:46]** However, I will make a little step aside. **[01:00:49]** I'm kind of getting to my family with my thoughts, **[01:00:55]** to raising children, to my wife, and so on. **[01:00:58]** But I would still make a step into the rational part. **[01:01:03]** When I see Míša Šrajer there, who deals with happiness at work, **[01:01:08]** and he just recently got certified on purpose, **[01:01:10]** and Happiness at Work, a conference that is building something great. **[01:01:14]** There was a project called Aristotle done by Google, **[01:01:19]** which actually showed that teams work much better, **[01:01:24]** are more effective and productive when psychological safety is felt. **[01:01:28]** Basically, in a safe environment. **[01:01:30]** I would like, if you could, to also show this page a little, **[01:01:35]** which is very rational, **[01:01:37]** but often companies do not support this. **[01:01:41]** I would start by saying that we live in a time when we feel **[01:01:45]** that we come to work, to some big, **[01:01:49]** maybe a large corporation, a big company, **[01:01:52]** we swipe our card, enter the elevator, put on our corporate mask, our role, our position, **[01:01:58]** and before we reach our desired floor, **[01:02:02]** we forget that we are going through a tough time at home, **[01:02:06]** that our children are going through a difficult phase, **[01:02:10]** where we simply lose patience with them, **[01:02:12]** that our grandmother is dying, **[01:02:15]** that we don’t know where we will go on vacation because we haven’t resolved it yet, and so on, **[01:02:21]** and suddenly the elevator opens and we are there as an HR manager, **[01:02:25]** marketing specialist, or whoever else, and we function. **[01:02:29]** And companies expect this from us, **[01:02:32]** because we are supposed to deliver performance and be focused... **[01:02:35]** That’s what they pay us for. **[01:02:36]** Exactly. And I’m not a romantic about this, but it is important. **[01:02:40]** We go to work to deliver results, **[01:02:43]** and we get some reward, some compensation for that work, **[01:02:48]** and we agreed to this voluntarily. **[01:02:49]** It’s a kind of contract we made together. **[01:02:52]** But what I think companies often overlook is that **[01:02:56]** what happens to us at home, what happens to us, **[01:03:00]** and I don’t mean home on some street, **[01:03:02]** but what happens inside at home, is also at work. **[01:03:07]** It’s there with us. **[01:03:08]** When I’m going through a divorce, I won’t perform well at work, **[01:03:12]** because my mind is elsewhere. **[01:03:13]** When I found out a month ago that I have some illness, **[01:03:17]** and it doesn’t have to be serious, but it’s an illness that affects me, **[01:03:20]** it not only affects me physically, **[01:03:22]** but also affects me in terms of fear, worries, some stress, **[01:03:29]** about how I will manage doctor appointments and other things. **[01:03:31]** And I won't worry about whether my Excel sheet is correct or not. **[01:03:34]** So that's one aspect: we don't accept the whole self, **[01:03:40]** the whole authentic self into our work environment. **[01:03:43]** And then there's the second aspect. **[01:03:45]** I think Google popularized the topic of psychological safety, **[01:03:50]** but it's not about Google. **[01:03:52]** The point of psychological safety is, **[01:03:56]** that when we know how to work with relationships at the workplace, **[01:04:00]** meaning we can create such a feeling of safety for others, **[01:04:05]** that they switch on their child mode, **[01:04:07]** that they switch on exploration mode. **[01:04:09]** I want to discover, I want to find out, **[01:04:11]** I want to experiment, I want to try. **[01:04:13]** I don't know if it will work out, **[01:04:15]** but I feel safe enough to try it. **[01:04:17]** Thanks to that, the company can prosper even more, **[01:04:22]** because the potential in each of us is maximized. **[01:04:24]** And of course, in the 20th century it wasn't that important, **[01:04:28]** because the more experience we gained, **[01:04:30]** the more serious we were, **[01:04:32]** and probably the more knowledgeable we were in a specific field. **[01:04:36]** But in the 21st century, when we can't predict what will happen next week, **[01:04:40]** when we don't know what anyone is cooking up behind the scenes **[01:04:43]** and how it might threaten us in terms of competition **[01:04:45]** or some kind of market disruption, **[01:04:48]** it's very important that all of us are somehow **[01:04:52]** active, educated, and engaged in this regard. **[01:04:55]** And when we're afraid, **[01:04:57]** we only look out for ourselves. **[01:04:59]** So I think it's very important for companies to seek, **[01:05:02]** not just measure, but find ways to cultivate psychological safety in companies **[01:05:06]** because then people don't focus on what's happening to them, **[01:05:10]** but on why they are being paid. **[01:05:15]** If you had to give advice to someone leading a team, **[01:05:21]** what would it be? **[01:05:25]** I want to say: don't rely on the idea that if the atmosphere is good, safety is guaranteed. **[01:05:30]** It seems very important. **[01:05:32]** I'd probably recommend knowing something about how people work and reading some basics of psychology. **[01:05:40]** Because even if the environment is pleasant, the team is nice, things work, **[01:05:45]** we go for beers, play bowling, enjoy each other's company, laugh in meetings, **[01:05:50]** that still doesn't mean we have psychological safety. **[01:05:52]** And we have to start from this fact, maybe I'm curious what you think, **[01:05:58]** how sure you have to be about something, in percentage, **[01:06:04]** to be able to tell other people. Do you have a gut feeling? **[01:06:11]** I think I have to be quite sure, especially in an environment that doesn't accept it. **[01:06:15]** In that environment that doesn't accept it, that it completely... **[01:06:17]** Does it matter? **[01:06:18]** In a normal environment, just as it is, a priori. **[01:06:20]** And we're not even looking at that factor yet. **[01:06:23]** 70%? **[01:06:24]** Well, 90%. **[01:06:25]** Really? **[01:06:26]** We can be 90% sure to even come out from inside. **[01:06:31]** And when the environment is good, it's good, **[01:06:34]** but we still struggle here with these internal blocks. **[01:06:37]** That means the environment being good is not enough. **[01:06:40]** We need to take one step further and find out, **[01:06:43]** proactively find out if people really feel safe enough, **[01:06:46]** to lower that 90% down. **[01:06:49]** So people can say, maybe it's a total nonsense, **[01:06:52]** but I suggest this. **[01:06:55]** So my tip would be **[01:07:00]** first, find out something about it, **[01:07:02]** and second, when many people agree with me **[01:07:06]** and I feel there is no pressure, **[01:07:08]** then definitely something bad is happening. **[01:07:15]** I actually have the experience **[01:07:17]** that when a person embarks on the path of development in this area, **[01:07:21]** they actually learn the most about themselves. **[01:07:24]** That's a nice benefit, **[01:07:27]** which is hidden somewhere there. **[01:07:30]** That means they are not afraid. **[01:07:33]** That really helps a lot in their personal life too. **[01:07:36]** So we recommend taking that path. **[01:07:39]** Now I'll try to leave this and jump to your questions. **[01:07:44]** I actually heard this recently too **[01:07:47]** in one specific situation. **[01:07:49]** How to turn off your brain and allow yourself to sleep, rest, **[01:07:52]** and recharge to handle tough situations. **[01:07:57]** Tough. I feel like we're looking for some instant solution again. **[01:08:01]** We are a society used to pills. **[01:08:03]** Used to taking Ibuprofen and the pain stops. **[01:08:07]** I take Lexaurin and I calm down. **[01:08:10]** I take a sleeping pill. **[01:08:12]** I don't even know their names, I don't really use them. **[01:08:15]** And I fall asleep. **[01:08:16]** But of course, it's again part of that long, painful journey **[01:08:20]** of certain habits and routines. **[01:08:22]** So when I can't switch off my mind, **[01:08:25]** I would really look at how my day looks. **[01:08:28]** What my lifestyle looks like. **[01:08:30]** When I work all day and am productive, **[01:08:34]** focused on results. **[01:08:38]** And even at 8 p.m. I'm still thinking about work. **[01:08:42]** Then I lie down in bed in the evening. **[01:08:45]** And my mind keeps running and I think, **[01:08:47]** I'm basically not allowing my body to switch off. **[01:08:50]** And the body just runs in some kind of crisis mode. **[01:08:53]** The problem is that acute stress as such **[01:08:56]** is very important. **[01:08:57]** It's the body's response to something happening. **[01:09:00]** We need acute stress so that **[01:09:02]** our body activates, **[01:09:04]** blood flows where it should, **[01:09:06]** and we can respond appropriately to a situation. **[01:09:09]** The problem arises when the stress hormone levels **[01:09:12]** and when we talk about cortisol, adrenaline, noradrenaline, and so on, **[01:09:16]** don't return to balance, **[01:09:18]** when we don't relax after acute stress. **[01:09:21]** What happens then is that we become chronic. **[01:09:23]** That means the level of stress hormones **[01:09:26]** stays high. **[01:09:28]** Maybe not as high as in acute stress, **[01:09:30]** but still above normal. **[01:09:31]** And because of that, we enter a kind of **[01:09:33]** permanent, long-lasting, **[01:09:36]** chronic, unpleasant stress, **[01:09:39]** which doesn't allow us to rest. **[01:09:41]** And I would probably link this more to the question, **[01:09:43]** that there is probably already some **[01:09:45]** Chronic stress is when I can't **[01:09:47]** rest, relax, or recover. **[01:09:50]** So what to do about it? **[01:09:52]** I think it's good to evaluate how my life is set up. **[01:09:56]** I think it's good to assess what I'm chasing after, **[01:09:59]** or what my priorities are. **[01:10:00]** In life, and then find a way to bring in slow dopamine. **[01:10:04]** Slow dopamine, like a walk in the forest, a walk in nature, instead of rushing everywhere by car. **[01:10:11]** That typical corporate routine: I get in the car, drive to the underground garage, **[01:10:16]** take the elevator up, put on a mask, and I'm at work. **[01:10:18]** At the end, I do one last thing at work, shop on rohlik.cz, get in the car, drive down, and get home. **[01:10:25]** That doesn't really create slow dopamine, but leaving the car at home once and seeing what changes on the way to work, **[01:10:34]** or getting off three stops earlier and taking a 20-minute walk, **[01:10:38]** to activate the body a bit, but also to let the hormones work, **[01:10:45]** and release the good ones, or cuddling. **[01:10:49]** It doesn't matter if it's cuddling with a partner, kids, or a dog. **[01:10:54]** That also helps stimulate positive and healthy hormones we need to feel better. **[01:11:01]** So I don't want to give advice like put your phone in the living room and don't look at the blue screen before sleep, **[01:11:08]** because I think the internet is full of that, and I also have a phone in bed, **[01:11:12]** because that's how it is; I think the phone is part of us now. **[01:11:16]** It's really hard to follow those instant tips that come around, **[01:11:21]** but I think it's very important to look at your life from a distance and ask yourself, **[01:11:25]** how much time do I actually work, and by work I mean my brain is working, I'm in some performance mode, **[01:11:31]** and how much time am I in a receptive, regenerating, relaxing mode. **[01:11:37]** And if I find that the balance isn't good, I look for ways to even it out, **[01:11:41]** and then I expect sleep to come naturally over time. **[01:11:45]** I thought maybe it's not good to want 90%, like you said earlier. **[01:11:49]** No. **[01:11:50]** But it happens. **[01:11:53]** Great question again, I always feel bad when there's no name, it's anonymous. **[01:11:57]** I always want to say, like Petra is asking, or someone is asking. **[01:12:01]** What to do when one person in a relationship is always the bear and the other the fox? **[01:12:04]** Is it exhausting? **[01:12:06]** Yes. **[01:12:08]** I agree. **[01:12:09]** You have that well learned. **[01:12:11]** So it happens. **[01:12:13]** This happens often. **[01:12:15]** There can be many reasons for it. **[01:12:17]** I can draw from my therapeutic practice with couples. **[01:12:20]** I think it's about some kind of relationship dynamic. **[01:12:22]** Maybe I'll start with that. **[01:12:24]** One thing might be that it's about relationship dynamics. **[01:12:26]** That this is how we have it set up. **[01:12:28]** That one is the one reaching out, and the other is the one embracing. **[01:12:31]** That one is the one sitting and complaining, and the other is the one proposing solutions. **[01:12:35]** And that dynamic is hard to change. **[01:12:37]** Because it's something we both contribute to. **[01:12:40]** When I do webinars on toxic relationships, **[01:12:42]** the first thing I try to break down **[01:12:44]** is the myth that a person is toxic. **[01:12:46]** No, the dynamic between the people is toxic. **[01:12:48]** One person does something unpleasant, **[01:12:51]** and the other allows it. **[01:12:53]** If the other didn't allow it, **[01:12:55]** the relationship wouldn't exist. **[01:12:57]** It's really simple. **[01:12:58]** It's about some dynamic we experience. **[01:13:00]** And here too, it's about some dynamic. **[01:13:02]** And again, it's a slow process, **[01:13:04]** where I can set boundaries. **[01:13:06]** Set boundaries, for example, **[01:13:08]** by referring to help elsewhere. **[01:13:10]** If I feel like a bear who's very exhausted, **[01:13:12]** that I can't go on, **[01:13:14]** that I'm still here, still in that hole, **[01:13:16]** but I want to live and be on top, **[01:13:18]** then I can start communicating. **[01:13:20]** I can say, **[01:13:21]** look, I'd really like to help you, **[01:13:23]** I want to be here for you, **[01:13:25]** and at the same time I need to take care of myself. **[01:13:27]** And this is already hard for me. **[01:13:29]** How can we do this? **[01:13:31]** Who can you turn to, **[01:13:33]** so we can share the load, **[01:13:35]** so there are more bears here, **[01:13:37]** so we can take turns, **[01:13:39]** so I don't have to be here all the time. **[01:13:41]** It won't be about, **[01:13:43]** that I will start setting boundaries more firmly **[01:13:45]** and say, this is a situation, **[01:13:47]** that you need to resolve on your own now. **[01:13:49]** I won't be involved anymore. **[01:13:51]** It's good for you, **[01:13:53]** that we won't be loving, supportive, **[01:13:55]** that we will find out, **[01:13:57]** that maybe we are selfish, **[01:13:59]** that we will find out, **[01:14:01]** that we don't think about the other person, **[01:14:03]** and we can say again, **[01:14:05]** that we're sorry, **[01:14:07]** that this is the result, **[01:14:09]** but we need to do this for ourselves. **[01:14:11]** So that's one thing, **[01:14:13]** it can be about the dynamics, **[01:14:15]** and then there's another thing **[01:14:17]** and that's about some kind of setting, **[01:14:19]** I'll borrow from Eric Berne, **[01:14:21]** he works, I'm in Transactional Analysis, **[01:14:23]** he works with some levels of consciousness. **[01:14:25]** He talks about an adult level, **[01:14:27]** a parental level, **[01:14:29]** a child level, **[01:14:31]** and these shift for us **[01:14:33]** and different situations require different levels. **[01:14:35]** What do I mean by that? **[01:14:37]** Adult talks to adult **[01:14:39]** as adult to adult, **[01:14:41]** some kind of equal, partner communication. **[01:14:43]** And when in a partnership relationship **[01:14:45]** for example, one is a child and one is a parent, **[01:14:47]** that's the theory of Tiger. **[01:14:51]** You actually saw the movie, **[01:14:53]** so she is in the parent role and he is in the child role. **[01:14:55]** He accepted the child role, **[01:14:57]** that he can't make tea, **[01:14:59]** that he can't be alone, **[01:15:01]** that he must be told what to do, **[01:15:03]** and she accepted the parent role, **[01:15:05]** I have to take care of you, **[01:15:07]** because you don't know what's good for you. **[01:15:09]** And this often actually happens in relationships, **[01:15:11]** that a person **[01:15:13]** falls into that role, **[01:15:15]** I actually don't know, I need you, **[01:15:17]** I'd rather have you advise me, **[01:15:19]** I don't want to mess anything up, **[01:15:21]** I feel bad about it, I don't know what to do. **[01:15:23]** And I can kindly name that, **[01:15:25]** and open it up. I can say, **[01:15:27]** look, I see this situation is hard for you. **[01:15:29]** I see you're going through something tough at work. **[01:15:31]** Are you okay with staying like this all the time? **[01:15:33]** Should I keep being here for you like this? **[01:15:35]** Or should we find some way **[01:15:37]** for you to break free from this situation? **[01:15:39]** Sometimes we'll find that it's possible, sometimes not. **[01:15:41]** And I think that's okay, **[01:15:43]** that we don't always have to be the bear first, **[01:15:47]** and we don't always have to be with this fox either. **[01:15:49]** And I think it's good **[01:15:51]** to normalize that, **[01:15:53]** that relationships don't have to work at all costs. **[01:15:55]** In any case, if something doesn't work, **[01:15:57]** there is professional help. **[01:15:59]** You can go to couples therapy, **[01:16:01]** you can go to angelic operations, **[01:16:03]** you can go to a mediator, **[01:16:05]** you can go, I don't know, to a coach, **[01:16:07]** if your company offers that, **[01:16:09]** maybe for work relationships, **[01:16:11]** we can imagine there might be someone like this, **[01:16:13]** better to say it, **[01:16:15]** a pitying colleague, **[01:16:17]** who is always difficult to deal with. **[01:16:19]** So I can simply name it, **[01:16:21]** set boundaries, and handle it elsewhere. **[01:16:23]** So I can decide to replace them. **[01:16:27]** Thank you. **[01:16:29]** Another anonymous person has **[01:16:31]** a very nice question for me. **[01:16:33]** What if I don't feel emotions? **[01:16:35]** Am I too rational? **[01:16:39]** Great. **[01:16:41]** I definitely wouldn't want **[01:16:43]** the outcome of this lecture **[01:16:45]** or our discussion here to be **[01:16:47]** that we have to force it. **[01:16:49]** Thanks a lot to the person who asked. **[01:16:51]** I think it's quite brave to say that. **[01:16:55]** I feel that when **[01:16:57]** we don't have or understand something, **[01:16:59]** it's good to find out what it really is. **[01:17:03]** So maybe I can't say **[01:17:05]** I believe you feel terrible, **[01:17:07]** when I don't know what feeling terrible means. **[01:17:09]** But I can ask and say, **[01:17:11]** what is it like? **[01:17:13]** What do you feel? **[01:17:15]** What is it like for you now? **[01:17:17]** I don't know, I can't imagine **[01:17:19]** what it's like when this happens to you. **[01:17:21]** I would probably just snap **[01:17:23]** and be done. **[01:17:25]** I don't understand what you experience. **[01:17:27]** Can you explain it to me? **[01:17:29]** Can you get me to understand what you actually feel? **[01:17:31]** Can you bring me into your reality? **[01:17:33]** And I think that requires **[01:17:35]** some humility. **[01:17:37]** Humility in the sense that **[01:17:39]** emotions are not less **[01:17:41]** than rationality. **[01:17:43]** That I accept **[01:17:45]** that emotions are a very important factor, **[01:17:47]** a driver of our behavior, **[01:17:49]** a driver of our visions. **[01:17:51]** And that when I am rational, **[01:17:53]** there is no solution, **[01:17:55]** that I will reject everyone's emotions, **[01:17:57]** because they bother me. **[01:17:59]** That's a common experience of mine, **[01:18:01]** that when people are very rational, **[01:18:03]** they say, don't bother me with those emotions. **[01:18:05]** Don't bother me with you being sad. **[01:18:07]** Don't bother me with you being angry. **[01:18:09]** Don't bother me with you being angry. **[01:18:11]** I actually don't want to experience it. **[01:18:13]** Let's be analytical, rational. **[01:18:15]** And I think this actually causes, **[01:18:17]** firstly, of course, in the long run, **[01:18:19]** it will harm us in those relationships, **[01:18:21]** but at the same time it harms us, **[01:18:23]** because we can't really grow **[01:18:25]** and work on ourselves. **[01:18:27]** So I would say one thing. **[01:18:29]** What I don't know, I ask and find out what it is like. **[01:18:31]** That's practicing those emotions, **[01:18:33]** that's how work is done with autistic children. **[01:18:35]** When they don't experience emotions as much, **[01:18:37]** or don't handle social behavior well, **[01:18:39]** it's not enabled for them, **[01:18:41]** so they practice it, **[01:18:43]** explaining how a person **[01:18:45]** can react in different situations, **[01:18:47]** how emotions show in different ways, **[01:18:49]** what they look like on the face, **[01:18:51]** so we can recognize them. **[01:18:53]** That means being analytical, **[01:18:55]** I just have a different tool **[01:18:57]** to gain that understanding. **[01:18:59]** Sometimes I joke **[01:19:01]** about this with my husband, **[01:19:03]** he sometimes allows me to. **[01:19:05]** And at the beginning, **[01:19:07]** he kept notes on me, **[01:19:09]** to know what I like. **[01:19:11]** And we can say, **[01:19:15]** Jesus, but he shouldn't do that, **[01:19:17]** if he loves me, he should remember it, **[01:19:19]** he should know it, **[01:19:21]** that's what romance is about. **[01:19:23]** So I think it's worth taking notes. **[01:19:25]** That he should have that note, **[01:19:27]** I like this kind of bouquet, for example. **[01:19:29]** Because it made it easier for him **[01:19:31]** and our life was much simpler. **[01:19:33]** So I think rationality **[01:19:35]** is a strength in that I can see **[01:19:37]** some rules, some order, **[01:19:39]** I can simplify it and it's good to use. **[01:19:41]** And then the B, **[01:19:43]** I'm interested where it came from, **[01:19:45]** that I don't experience those emotions. **[01:19:47]** And it could be because **[01:19:49]** I'm really a very **[01:19:51]** analytical person, **[01:19:53]** but it could also be because **[01:19:55]** I grew up in a family that was emotionally flat. **[01:19:57]** I grew up in a family where I didn't see emotions. **[01:20:00]** They never argued, they were silent, or it was a quiet household. **[01:20:04]** And I just felt it a little, but I didn't know how to handle it. **[01:20:08]** So I learned to be more analytical, **[01:20:11]** because it was more predictable, simpler, and therefore safer for me. **[01:20:16]** And we look for things in life that make us feel safe. **[01:20:19]** And emotions at that moment can actually be scary. **[01:20:22]** And that's something for therapeutic work, **[01:20:24]** where I can come to a therapist and say, **[01:20:26]** I don't feel emotions and I want to feel them. **[01:20:29]** Then, of course, we can talk about the overused trauma, **[01:20:32]** that often emotions shut down just because **[01:20:34]** we experienced something so terribly painful and hard in life, **[01:20:37]** that it was safer for the body to shut off emotions. **[01:20:40]** But I think those are really extreme cases **[01:20:43]** and I don't want it to sound like that's the main answer to the question. **[01:20:47]** I found the pressing of the elevator button you mentioned very interesting. **[01:20:52]** There are things that don't seem important to us at all, **[01:20:57]** but the other person perceives them completely differently. **[01:21:00]** And that example with the child was great, so thank you very much for that. **[01:21:05]** You see, I just want to add something. **[01:21:08]** That's exactly it. **[01:21:10]** But if we were a child who often heard, **[01:21:14]** Jesus, don't make a scene, it's just a button, **[01:21:17]** or don't make a scene, we're in a hurry, **[01:21:20]** then the first time we heard it, we still made the scene, **[01:21:23]** the second time, we still made it, the third time, and then we didn't. **[01:21:26]** And then we talk about how the children are well-behaved. **[01:21:29]** Our society actually loves well-behaved, polite, decent children, **[01:21:32]** who sit at the table with their hands like this and draw until their food arrives. **[01:21:37]** But those aren't children. **[01:21:39]** Some children, I don't want to generalize, **[01:21:42]** are calm, introverted, quiet, **[01:21:45]** creative, and can endure that. **[01:21:47]** They can withstand our adult social demands, **[01:21:50]** but most children cannot. **[01:21:52]** And then I often ask how this was achieved. **[01:21:55]** And then with parents, we get to topics **[01:21:58]** about how they were raised, **[01:22:00]** that emotions were not allowed to be shown, **[01:22:02]** and they learned not to show them, learned to keep them inside, **[01:22:05]** and then as adults, they become people who say, **[01:22:08]** I don't have emotions. **[01:22:11]** How do you communicate with someone about a problem **[01:22:14]** when they don't want to communicate? **[01:22:17]** I love it. **[01:22:18]** It's great, when you deal with relationships, **[01:22:20]** people often ask about someone else, not themselves. **[01:22:23]** And I want to say that's completely normal, **[01:22:25]** we all do that. **[01:22:27]** I feel one thing is time. **[01:22:33]** We often expect that when we open a topic, **[01:22:35]** the other side will respond the way we need. **[01:22:38]** So we get into a great dialogue and end with a solution. **[01:22:41]** But in everyday reality, we often see that **[01:22:44]** we have to bring it up a hundred times before it even opens up **[01:22:47]** and we can talk about it. **[01:22:49]** And I think it's about some patience and time to keep bringing it up. **[01:22:52]** What I can do is again. **[01:22:55]** I can say, look, I see this is a big issue, **[01:22:58]** I see it's affecting you in all these areas. **[01:23:02]** You have a problem with your mom or your parent. **[01:23:05]** You have a problem with your boss. **[01:23:08]** You come home, you're irritated, **[01:23:11]** this has been happening for the last few months. **[01:23:13]** I think it's something we can start addressing. **[01:23:15]** And I can say it once, twice, three times. **[01:23:17]** I don't have to get into a conflict. **[01:23:19]** I can just name it, that I see it **[01:23:21]** and help the adult realize **[01:23:23]** that this really is an issue affecting them, **[01:23:26]** and then it depends if it's happening between us, **[01:23:31]** if I'm pointing out something that's a problem in our relationship **[01:23:34]** and the other person says they don't want to talk about it, **[01:23:36]** then I think it's also about our boundary. **[01:23:40]** At what cost am I willing to be with someone **[01:23:43]** in a dynamic where I don't feel good? **[01:23:45]** And when do I take responsibility? **[01:23:47]** And I often hear, but I don't want to be the one **[01:23:49]** to make the change. Let the other person do it. **[01:23:52]** And I think life isn't fair, that's just how it is. **[01:23:55]** If I'm unhappy with the situation I'm in, **[01:23:58]** then I will also be the one to initiate the change. **[01:24:00]** The change won't start with the other person, **[01:24:02]** because their shoes don't pinch them. **[01:24:04]** So I think this brings us back a lot **[01:24:06]** to some kind of empowerment and gaining competence **[01:24:09]** and opening up the topic like, **[01:24:11]** it's important for me to talk about this problem, **[01:24:13]** so I feel good in this relationship. **[01:24:15]** When can we talk about it? **[01:24:17]** Under what conditions can we talk about it? **[01:24:19]** When will it be okay for you to open this topic? **[01:24:21]** And give the person time. **[01:24:23]** And want the answer. **[01:24:25]** Not wanting the answer, not wanting to, **[01:24:27]** talk about it here and now, **[01:24:29]** but wanting the answer, okay, **[01:24:31]** in two weeks, on Thursday, we'll sit down to it **[01:24:33]** and we'll do it. **[01:24:35]** I often use a tool from my friend Martin Vaskez, **[01:24:38]** when we were talking once, he said, **[01:24:40]** that we always open a bottle of wine **[01:24:42]** and when we have a relationship problem, **[01:24:44]** we talk as long as there is wine in the bottle. **[01:24:46]** And as soon as we finish it, we stop. **[01:24:48]** And I think that's great, **[01:24:50]** because often we're afraid **[01:24:52]** to open up a topic with anyone. **[01:24:54]** Because we feel it will be **[01:24:56]** endlessly long, painful, and hurtful. **[01:24:58]** So it's good to have some visual timer, **[01:25:01]** where we see time passing **[01:25:03]** and that there is an end that frees us. **[01:25:06]** Great. Martin was a guest **[01:25:08]** at the Brain&Breakfast. **[01:25:10]** Addictologist Michal Mijovský **[01:25:12]** would definitely be happy about this. **[01:25:14]** using this as a tool. **[01:25:16]** A liter of iced tea. **[01:25:18]** Exactly, let's put a glass of water. **[01:25:20]** Does it make sense to support **[01:25:22]** so-called energy drainers **[01:25:24]** and bigger complainers? **[01:25:28]** I don't know. **[01:25:30]** I think each of us has to answer that ourselves, **[01:25:32]** with whom it makes sense **[01:25:34]** and with whom it doesn't. **[01:25:36]** For myself, **[01:25:38]** I can answer, **[01:25:40]** I would try to find out **[01:25:42]** why that person is an energy drainer and bigger complainer. **[01:25:44]** And I would try to understand that. **[01:25:46]** Because maybe it's simply, **[01:25:48]** it's their hammer in the toolbox. **[01:25:50]** Their hammer in the toolbox is **[01:25:52]** that they complain and it brought something. **[01:25:54]** In their life, they have a positive experience **[01:25:58]** to solve their situations. **[01:26:00]** And I can try offering them something different. **[01:26:02]** I can be there and listen to them, **[01:26:04]** be there with them and then gently suggest **[01:26:06]** and respectfully propose other tools, **[01:26:08]** that might be effective. **[01:26:10]** And be there with them. **[01:26:12]** And then, if it doesn't work, **[01:26:14]** I need to decide, **[01:26:16]** whether the relationship is worth it or not. **[01:26:18]** If I want to be with that person in the relationship **[01:26:20]** and want to continue it, **[01:26:22]** I need to work on myself so that **[01:26:24]** it stops hurting me. **[01:26:26]** That it stops causing me pain, **[01:26:28]** which means I will spend time with that person, **[01:26:30]** but only in a specific environment. **[01:26:32]** Only on some specific ground, **[01:26:34]** maybe some neutral ground. **[01:26:36]** I won't go home because that's always long. **[01:26:38]** Or I will fit them into some program, **[01:26:40]** so I have a clear end to the event. **[01:26:42]** I just have to start adjusting it so that, **[01:26:44]** if I want to keep the relationship, **[01:26:46]** I feel good in it. **[01:26:48]** And if not, then it doesn't make sense **[01:26:50]** and I can walk away. **[01:26:59]** I... **[01:27:01]** When we were actually preparing this dreaming, **[01:27:03]** we said to ourselves, **[01:27:05]** OK, it's holiday time, **[01:27:07]** usually vacation time, **[01:27:09]** people will be together with their families, **[01:27:11]** and that's actually the reason. **[01:27:14]** So what would you wish for? **[01:27:16]** Or give one more piece of advice to people, **[01:27:20]** who are now about to spend some time together? **[01:27:23]** You know, but advice doesn't work. **[01:27:25]** Well, I know. **[01:27:28]** I don't know, maybe just experience it, **[01:27:31]** which is actually really great. **[01:27:33]** Again, I feel **[01:27:35]** that we live in a society **[01:27:37]** that glorifies the positive, **[01:27:39]** glorifies when we have it good **[01:27:41]** and when everything is **[01:27:43]** just exceptionally great and so on. **[01:27:45]** But I like to tell some clients **[01:27:48]** that a vacation simply won't save our burnout. **[01:27:51]** And I think that's what summer is about. **[01:27:53]** Summer won't save our burnout, **[01:27:55]** the fact that it's nice and warm, **[01:27:59]** also demands something from us. **[01:28:01]** At the moment, I don't know if you experience this, **[01:28:03]** but many people, **[01:28:05]** I used to be like this before, **[01:28:07]** when summer holidays start, **[01:28:09]** they have to be filled. **[01:28:11]** They have to be interesting, **[01:28:13]** I think it also partly comes from **[01:28:15]** basic schooling, **[01:28:17]** when in September **[01:28:19]** we shared experiences of who was where, **[01:28:21]** and if you spent the whole two months **[01:28:23]** in a block of flats, that was the better case, **[01:28:25]** but if you spent the whole two months in a block of flats, **[01:28:27]** you were a bit of a loser. **[01:28:29]** And I think we are taught that **[01:28:31]** it has to be a packed experience, **[01:28:33]** and we have to do one thing after another, **[01:28:35]** and we can't turn off the performance mode. **[01:28:37]** We even add to it **[01:28:39]** in our private life, **[01:28:41]** because it has to be super cool. **[01:28:43]** So my, not even recommendation, **[01:28:45]** but my wish would be **[01:28:47]** to be able to slow down and not follow **[01:28:49]** the pressure from outside, **[01:28:51]** but to do **[01:28:53]** what we simply need at that moment, **[01:28:55]** so that we feel good. **[01:28:57]** Great, thank you. **[01:28:59]** Eliška Ramosová. **[01:29:01]** Thank you. **[01:29:15]** So, thanks again. **[01:29:17]** For you, if you liked the breakfast, **[01:29:19]** take the slide poll, **[01:29:21]** and vote for us. **[01:29:23]** One star means, **[01:29:25]** you've aged here **[01:29:27]** and it didn't help you. **[01:29:29]** Five means it somehow **[01:29:31]** opened something for you. **[01:29:33]** If you're on Edu, **[01:29:35]** the poll is right below this broadcast. **[01:29:37]** There's also a word cloud. **[01:29:39]** One word you take away **[01:29:41]** from this breakfast, **[01:29:43]** if you enter it, **[01:29:45]** we'll be grateful. **[01:29:47]** So, maybe we can **[01:29:49]** see how the voting goes, **[01:29:51]** but what's important **[01:29:53]** is in the podcasts, **[01:29:55]** this would mean here **[01:29:57]** and the rest, **[01:29:59]** and the rest, **[01:30:01]** and the rest, **[01:30:03]** and the rest, **[01:30:05]** and the rest, **[01:30:07]** and the rest, **[01:30:09]** and the rest, **[01:30:11]** and the rest, **[01:30:00]** as you'll find out in the paid part, which we don't have here, **[01:30:04]** but we'll continue further. **[01:30:08]** And we always send you off after each breakfast so you can continue too. **[01:30:13]** I have a slight head start today, **[01:30:16]** because I invited my wife today, **[01:30:19]** so we'll be discussing this in the family circle. **[01:30:23]** Please listen to it as well, **[01:30:25]** Play it with your people from your teams, **[01:30:28]** just think about it and try to reflect and maybe discuss, **[01:30:31]** what surprised you, what you could actually incorporate into some processes, **[01:30:36]** into some behaviors, and make such a reflection, **[01:30:39]** which can be very beneficial. **[01:30:41]** As I said, Eliška and I will continue and go deeper **[01:30:46]** in Brain and Breakfast Digestive, so the discussion will be called Red Button Edu **[01:30:50]** and it’s on August 3rd at 11 a.m. **[01:30:52]** That means all the questions we didn’t get to here, **[01:30:55]** we’ll try to open up there, so if you have time and interest **[01:31:00]** and want to devote a bit more to this topic, **[01:31:04]** August 3rd at 11 a.m. **[01:31:06]** And Red Button does a lot, as I said, **[01:31:10]** you’ll learn the most from their newsletter. **[01:31:12]** We do a book of the month, Abeča Libernardová was a guest at the last breakfast, **[01:31:17]** that was the book of July, in August Zdeněk Michálek chose Conscious Business, **[01:31:23]** so here’s a recommendation for a book, maybe under the tree, **[01:31:26]** when you’re recharging and not rushing anywhere performance-wise. **[01:31:31]** Definitely follow EDUtéka and other programs they have. **[01:31:35]** And since we said Brain and Breakfast will be about first aid during the holidays, **[01:31:41]** we just finished the first part about emotional first aid, **[01:31:46]** and we will continue with physical first aid. **[01:31:48]** I’m glad Ondřej Koudela is here, Ondřej is already waving there, **[01:31:54]** to read this and follow up, etc. **[01:31:57]** So look forward to it, August 22nd. Note, it’s unusually on Tuesday, not Thursday, **[01:32:02]** so just a heads-up. **[01:32:04]** I’m sure I’ll get lots of questions again that we got it wrong, no, it’s August 22nd. **[01:32:08]** So I invite you here to Magenta and all of you watching live, **[01:32:14]** I believe you’ll be there, thank you very much. **[01:32:17]** Thank you, have a great time, Eliška, thanks again. **[01:32:20]** Bye and see you. **[01:32:22]** Thank you for the invitation. **[01:32:23]** Enjoy the summer.